Improving Professional Correspondence

To: T. Leoni, Manager, Personnel Department
From: Donald Pryzblo, Manager, Data Processing Department
Subject: The Payroll Checks Issue

It has come to my attention that there are faulty payroll checks still being sent out.

After our meeting, I thought the issue would have been resolved.
I am not placing blame on any one department, but the problem needs to be addressed.

We need to figure out the cause of the faulty payroll checks and fix it immediately.
I also recommend that you tell your clerks to review their work carefully before giving it to the computer operators.

If we could arrange another meeting as soon as possible, that would be greatly appreciated.

I changed this email in many different ways. First, I changed the subject to where it reads: The Payroll Checks Issue. The reason for changing the subject was that the original subject was harsh. It was in all caps, which meant that obviously that the person writing the email was highly upset. I also changed the opening sentence. The original opening line was making the "errors" something that was obviously the Personnel Department's problem. That may be the case, but you do not want to come out and say that. I changed to first sentence into more of an awareness that the manager of Data Processing Department had come across. I also changed the whole body of the email, making it where it was a problem they both need to fix instead of a one person problem. The original body was so harsh that Mr. Pryzblo would have been fired for sending out such an email. I also wrote that Mr. Pryzblo was not blaming anyone in perticular, but that the problem with the payroll checks just needed to be solved. I left the last sentence the same, but put also so that it would be a suggestion and not a demand. I did put an ending sentence in that says, "If we could arrange another meeting as soon as possible, that would be greatly appreciated." I felt that ending the email on that note gave the impression that Mr. Pryzblo was willing to work with Mr. Leoni, and was open listen to Mr. Leoni and not yell at him.